When in Doubt...Give
For some reason the expression that begins, “When in doubt…” popped into my head today. I’m not sure why. How is that supposed to end anyway? “When in doubt, guess? When in doubt, eat chocolate? When in doubt, open a bottle of wine and cry a lot?” I don’t know about you, but lately, when I’m not in doubt, I’m often in fear, frustration, confusion or all of the above.
We are now approximately a month into the stay at home orders resulting from the Covid-19 global pandemic. I’ve read a lot of articles lately that refer to our “new normal”, but yesterday as I fashioned a face mask out of a pretty blue scarf and a couple of hair bands, then covered my face and nose before getting in a 20 minute line to enter Trader Joe’s, it didn’t feel normal. Despite the constant news cycle, it is hard to grasp that nearly the whole world is dealing with same issues. It’s as if the world’s population is playing a game of Simon Says and Simon just said, “freeze.” And we did.
I have felt a little frozen for several weeks. Not every moment, but often. Frozen from fear, frozen from grief, frozen in the act of creating safety, comfort and moments of joy for my children. I haven’t felt inconvenienced, but I have certainly felt helpless. Knowing that we are doing the right thing by staying home is not the same thing as knowing what happens next or how life will look when it is over.
In doubt. In it. So what do we do when in doubt? Here are some suggestions:
PRACTICE CALM
I have seen people go into overdrive with work, home workouts, homeschooling and charitable acts, while others have just shut down. In a recent episode of the podcast Unlocking Us with Brene Brown (which I highly recommend - seriously, go read/watch/list to something by Brene asap), these common reactions to stressors are explored. Brene discusses the patterns of over and under-functioning that many of us fall into during anxious times and illuminates that neither control-taking nor control-relinquishing in these ways really helps us or those around us. The best we can do is identify our feelings and cultivate a practice of calm. Being able to make a different choice when we are triggered may not always be easy, but it can be incredibly liberating.
ALLOW GRIEF
There has also been a lot of thoughtful discussions about grief, and this really resonates with me. I have seen and experienced it. Certainly many engaged couples, pregnant women and high school seniors are having to move from what they expected to happen, to…what? We don’t really know, do we? But even if you didn’t have a major life event planned, we are all adjusting to the loss that results from our “normal life” being redefined in real time. For anyone who has experienced grief, you know there is no denying or controlling it. Allowing grief to rise and fall away, when it presents itself, provides an opportunity to honor (and move through) our feelings and avoid getting stuck in anger or despair.
SEE THE GOOD
There are inspiring acts of beauty all around us. There are. Look for them. See them. Celebrate them. Share them on social media. Stop to smell the roses, marvel at the chalk art by your neighbors, dance with Ryan Heffington or jam with D-Nice on Instagram when you feel moved to. And…don’t expect yourself to feel “fixed.”
MAKE FRIENDS WITH “OK”
Not everything is going to be great right now. If you are not working out as much (or at all), if your kids are doing more electronics than usual (all the time), or you have not yet written a book, that’s OK. Please give yourself a break and when you see something that’s not great, smile a little and declare, “Wow, that is extra OK.” Extra Ok or even extra mediocre, is just about right right now.
GIVE
This is the big one - Give. I spend a lot of time working with folks to help them cultivate peace, purpose, joy and success, and I’m not sure there is anything more powerful than getting intentional about giving or being of service. Giving can look a thousand different ways. The key is to identify what your gifts, talents and abilities are, and where you feel called to give. If you can do this, and then act on it, I promise you will feel more grounded, more authentically connected to those around you and more grateful. Giving somehow magically results in gratitude and joy. Whether you do grocery runs for neighbors, sew masks for family members or medical workers, FaceTime with loved ones, or host dance parties on Instagram, you will be making a difference for yourself and those around you.
Doubt and worry will likely come and go during this time, but as we allow ourselves to feel them, and then shift our focus, thoughts, and actions - we can shift our experience. Together, we can build the skills and practices that help us move through challenges with resilience and grace.